It's a Thought
by kippersvindaloo
Summary: Lister, Rimmer, and Cat explore an abandoned space station, and Holly pines
1. Typical Day in the Drive Room

AN: This story takes place in between the second and third series after my previous two stories, "Second Childhood" and "Persistence of Memory." Thanks again to people who have given me feedback! It always helps.

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, and I'm not making any money from this, so please don't sue me.

It's a Thought

On the viewscreen, Steve embraced Gloria tightly.

"Hold me, Gloria," he said.

Gloria buried her face in his shoulder. "Yes, Steve."

"This moment will last forever," Steve said, touching Gloria's hair.

Lister wiped his eyes with his shirttail. This part of the film always made him weepy.

"I'm frightened," Gloria said, looking down.

Steve used his finger to tip her chin up so she was looking into his eyes. "Of what?"

Lister mouthed the next sentence along with Gloria. "Of what might happen once we leave this room."

Instead of Steve's immortal reply, Holly appeared on the viewscreen. "Do we have to watch this one again?"

Lister hated being interrupted in the middle of a tearjerker, but Holly seemed to interrupt on a regular basis no matter what Lister was doing, so that was nothing new. "Again? Holly, this is a classic. You don't come across films like 'We'll Have Eternity' every day."

"You do," Holly said. "You've watched it the last three days running."

"It's a great movie," Lister said, taking a handful of popcorn. He was halfway into his pregnancy now, and he couldn't seem to eat enough salty things. Pretzels, popcorn, potato chips—Jim and Bexley liked them all, and so did Lister. He had developed a bit of a pot belly recently, but he didn't mind too much because he figured it would go away after he had his boys.

"You just like the sexy bits," Holly said.

Lister looked at Holly to see if he was serious. "There's nothing wrong with the sexy bits."

"No, I guess not," Holly said.

Lister frowned; Holly seemed more distracted than usual today. "Holly, what's going on? Are you okay?"

"Well, since you asked, no," Holly said. "I'm not okay."

"What's wrong?" Lister asked.

Holly looked forlorn. "I'm pining."

Lister scrunched up his face. "For what?"

"I miss Hilly," Holly said.

"That was yonks ago, man," Lister said. "You're still thinking about that?"

If Holly had had shoulders, he would've shrugged. "I know we had to leave. But we had some good laughs, Hilly and me."

That reminded Lister of a question he'd been meaning to ask ever since they'd come back from the parallel universe. "How come you're the only one who actually liked your double?"

"Don't know," Holly said. "Maybe it's because our systems were compatible. It's not every day you meet someone on the same operating platform."

"Being three million years into deep space, Hol, it's not every day you meet someone, period. But you've still got the Holly Hop Drive, haven't you? You could always go back for a visit," Lister said.

Holly shook his head. "We can only stay fifteen minutes next time. Any longer and we won't be able to get back."

Lister considered the value of fifteen minutes in a parallel universe. "Fifteen minutes. You wouldn't have time for much."

"No," Holly said. "Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go translate my list of ship's supplies into French."

"Holly, none of us speak French," Lister said.

"I know. I just need something to take my mind off Hilly," Holly said.

"Okay," Lister said, nodding. "Have fun."

Holly faded from view, and Lister's film came back on. Lister leaned forward intently.

"It doesn't matter what happens, Gloria," Steve said. "We'll always have this moment. We'll have…eternity!"

The music swelled. Lister blew his nose loudly into his shirttail.


	2. Bunk Room Conversation

Lister was still thinking about Holly when he was lying in bed. What could they do to cheer him up? How did you bring a lovesick computer out of a depression?

"I think Holly's depressed," he said to Rimmer.

"Lister, machines don't get depressed," Rimmer said from the bottom bunk. "They break; they wear out. They don't mope about wearing black and reading the complete works of Sylvia Plath."

"I think he misses Hilly," Lister said.

"Oh, yes, that reminds me—how is your little bundle of joy?" Rimmer asked. He sounded excited. Somehow, Rimmer was never excited when Lister was. Lister wondered if it was intentional.

"Bundles," Lister said; he had been able to find two heartbeats for the first time in the medical bay earlier that week.

"It is twins. I knew it!" Rimmer said, even more excited.

"We both did. Stop acting surprised," Lister said.

"Have you got morning sickness yet?" Rimmer asked.

"No," Lister lied.

"I see. So you spend half the morning crouched over the loo for fun?" Rimmer said.

Lister had been hoping Rimmer slept through that. "My stomach won't stay settled."

"I'm not surprised," Rimmer said. "You're still eating curries! You have to take the nutritional needs of your children into consideration. Listen to your cravings, Listy. Your body will tell you what it wants."

Lister propped himself up on one elbow, peering over the edge of the bunk. He couldn't exactly see Rimmer, but facing him was better than talking to the ceiling. "Since when are you a pregnancy expert?"

"Well, if you must know, I've been reading up in preparation for the big day. And it wouldn't hurt you to do the same," Rimmer said.

"What's there to know?" Lister asked. "It's a nuisance when they're growing inside you. Then once they're out, you wanna stuff 'em back in." _That's me paranoia talking._

"I don't think you've got quite the proper attitude for someone who's expecting," Rimmer said.

Lister rolled his eyes. "What do you want me to do, Rimmer? Throw flower petals everywhere I go? Cultivate a large following of cartoon forest animals?"

"If you're not looking forward to their arrival now, how are you going to feel once they're actually here?" Rimmer asked.

Lister didn't feel like having this discussion tonight. "If I'm still alive after a skutter caesarean, I'll be really, really happy."

"You're missing my point," Rimmer said.

"No, I'm avoiding your point. There's a difference," Lister said.

Holly appeared on the viewscreen. "I'm picking up something on visual scanners."

Rimmer got out of bed. "What is it?"

Lister jumped down from his bunk, wincing as his feet hit the cold floor.

"Hard to say. Looks like a space station," Holly said.

"I didn't think there were any space stations this far out," Lister said.

Rimmer glanced at Lister. "Well, obviously there are if there's one here."

"Thanks, Rimmer," Lister said. "If you weren't here to tell me obvious things, I'd have to tell myself, and then what would happen?"

"Probably ritual suicides throughout the universe," Rimmer said, turning back to the viewscreen. "You were saying, Holly?"

"It's still airtight, safe for human exploration," Holly said.

"Is there an available docking port?" Rimmer asked.

"Yeah," Holly said.

"Blue Midget?" Lister asked.

Rimmer nodded. "That's what I was thinking."

"Let's find Cat," Lister said, always eager to have someone else along on shuttle trips.

Rimmer looked annoyed at the idea. "Why? So he can look around and tell us how completely un-chic abandoned post-industrial space stations are?"

"No, because he's got quicker reflexes and better instincts than us. If there's trouble, he'll know it first," Lister said.

Rimmer snapped his fingers and pointed at Lister. "Right. Like I said, let's bring Cat along."


	3. Exploring

Lister let Holly pilot the shuttle to the space station so that he could sit back and relax. He wondered if he would eventually get too big to reach the shuttle controls comfortably. _How do women stand this?_

"Do you think there might be lady cats on board?" Cat asked, breaking the silence.

"Holly couldn't find any life forms," Rimmer said.

"You think a cat can be found just like that? Give us a little credit," Cat said.

"What are you actually gonna do if you ever find a lady cat?" Lister asked.

Cat looked at Lister with scorn. "When, not if, I find a lady cat, we'll both know exactly what to do."

"Docking now," Holly said as the shuttle shuddered to a stop. "Okay. You're safe to board."

The space station was small and cramped, without any signs that people had lived there. A few live wires hung from the ceiling, shooting the occasional spark, but they didn't look too dangerous as long as you didn't grab hold of the end.

"Do you think people actually lived here, or just service robots for ships that went by?" Lister asked.

Rimmer looked thoughtful. "I don't know. There was talk about creating a space station populated solely by robots."

"What happened?" Lister asked. "Did they do it?"

"I died before I found out," Rimmer said.

Lister nodded. "Yeah, I guess death stands in the way of keeping up with the news."

Cat looked around, his lip curled in distaste. "I'll stay here."

Rimmer was immediately wary. "Why? Do you sense danger?"

"Who do you think I am, Lassie?" Cat asked. "Some of these wires are sending off sparks, and I don't want to burn a hole in my suit jacket."

Lister took a few steps forward, looking at the hall markings. "I think there's a central console room up ahead."

"Well, go ahead, Lister," Rimmer said cheerily.

Lister looked at Rimmer, and Rimmer gestured for Lister to walk first. Lister shook his head and proceeded down the corridor as Rimmer followed behind.

There was a central console room at the end of the corridor, and the workstations were built for humans, not robots. Lister tried to imagine the crew of the space station at their posts and felt the same slight pang of nostalgia he felt when he tried to imagine a fully populated Red Dwarf. It was sad to be somewhere that used to be crowded with people and now had no trace of them…except, of course, him.

"Looks like people did work here," Lister said, trying not to think too much more about it.

"I wonder what happened to them," Rimmer said.

"In a couple million years, I bet you'd lose enough height so you couldn't push the buttons anymore," Lister said.

Rimmer gave Lister a withering look. "Don't be stupid."

A spherical device in the middle of the room caught Lister's eye, and he crossed to it. "I wonder what this is."

"Don't touch it! We don't know what it does!" Rimmer said.

Lister picked it up and examined it, turning it round to see if there was any writing on it. There wasn't.

Rimmer heaved an exasperated sigh. "What is the point of my outranking you if you never listen to me?"

Lister shrugged. "What's the point of listening to you?"

"I asked my question first," Rimmer said.

Lister noticed a red panel on the sphere. "Hey, there's a button on the side."

Rimmer crossed his arms and turned away. "Go ahead. Push the button too. Fry yourself into oblivion. I'm not going to advise you."

"Come on, Rimmer. Why would you keep a death ball in such an obvious place dead center of the control room?" Lister asked.

"Death ball? Is that the technical term for it?" Rimmer asked.

"I don't know. You speak dead. What's it called?" Lister said.

"Giggle giggle chuckle guffaw. Look, let's just take it back to the ship and analyze it there," Rimmer said.

"Yeah, and what if it blows us up?" Lister asked.

"It could do that while we're here, so you might as well press the button now and have it over with," Rimmer said.

Lister shrugged. "Okay."

Rimmer wheeled around. "I wasn't serious!"

Too late. Lister pushed the button. The sphere began to rotate, and it zapped him with blue bolts of electricity. Strong tingles raced through Lister's body, and in his surprise, he dropped the sphere. Once it hit the floor, it went cold and returned to normal. Lister blinked.

"What happened?" Rimmer asked.

Lister shook his head. "I don't know. It tingled a little, but I feel fine." He looked down at his watch. "Holly, can you get some scans of the sphere and figure out what it does?"

"I can scan it. I don't know about the rest," Holly said.

"Well, could you try?" Lister asked.

"Sure, Dave," Holly said with a nod.

Rimmer clapped his hands together. "All right. That's enough exploring. Back to the Blue Midget."

"We just got here," Lister said.

"Yes, and you've been zapped by some fantastic electrical device for which we have yet to determine a function. If your hair starts falling out or you mutate into some deranged sea creature, I'd at least like to be back on Red Dwarf when it happens," Rimmer said.

"You really know how to make a guy feel good," Lister said.

Rimmer looked smug. "One of my greatest gifts is my sensitivity."

"You should've given it back," Lister said.

Rimmer gave Lister a dirty look and they left the control room.


	4. The Ride Back

Cat spoke first on the shuttle ride back to Red Dwarf. "No self-respecting cat would live in a place like that. At least Red Dwarf has food."

Rimmer didn't care about the cat population; he was still fuming about what Lister had done on the space station. Didn't he care about the future of the human race at all? How could he have acted so carelessly? Clearly Rimmer would have to have a talk with him.

Lister didn't look particularly worried about what might've happened to him. "Did you get the scans of the sphere, Holly?"

"I'm looking at them now. Hmm. That's interesting," Holly said.

"What is?" Rimmer asked.

"It's completely round. All of it," Holly said.

Rimmer fixed Holly with a pitying look. "I'm so glad we've got a computer with an intellect comparable to Weetabix."

"I still feel tingly," Lister said.

Tingly…tingly…what kind of disease made you feel tingly? Rimmer couldn't remember any of the medical training he'd taken and seized on one of the few medical problems he could remember. "You could be having a stroke. Once we're back on board, get to the medical bay first thing."

"First I'm mutating, now I'm having a stroke! You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Lister said, clearly annoyed.

Rimmer shook his head. "I am not." He paused. "You have absolutely no respect for human life at all, do you?"

Lister took a look around the cockpit. "Show me where to find some and I'll respect it all you want."

"I'm not talking about us, you goit!" Rimmer said. "I'm talking about your unborn children. Did it even occur to you that you were risking their lives when you hit the button on that sphere?"

Lister looked guiltily at his stomach, resting a hand on it. "No."

"That's exactly the sort of careless behavior…" Rimmer began.

Lister interrupted. "But we've seen the future. I have sons. They don't die."

"No, they don't die, but imagine the damage you could've done them in the control room! You have to think about these things from now on, Lister," Rimmer said.

"I think about them plenty," Lister said, but he still sounded guilty.

"I should've been pregnant instead of you. At least I'd know to take care of myself," Rimmer said. Of course, he didn't really want to be pregnant…but it might be fun at that. He pictured himself holding two little Arnold Rimmers. Or maybe they would've looked more like Magruder. Either way, he would've been a fantastic dad. It was a pity he'd never had a family, really. Rimmer suspected he would've liked it.

Lister chuckled, putting an end to Rimmer's reverie. "When do you ever take care of anybody else?"

Rimmer folded his arms. "I resent that implication. I'm just as much a part of the crew as you are." _Except I can't touch anything, and when I give orders, no one listens._

"You'd be a joke as a parent. Every time the baby moved, you'd scream, 'It's coming! It's coming! Help!'" Lister said.

The thought of labor pains made Rimmer a little queasy. "I would not."

"Yeah, you would," Lister said. "And if you think I'm bad at being sick, wait until you had morning sickness. After three weeks, you'd be ready to turn it over to a surrogate and let her have the babies."

Rimmer chucked his family fantasy out the window. No sense in thinking about something that would never happen. "Well, it's pointless to speculate, anyway. I can't have babies because I'm dead."

"That's your excuse for everything," Lister said.

_Well, you try being dead sometime and see how you like it. _"Some people would say, Lister, that a dead person who can accomplish anything, let alone all the things I've accomplished since my demise, is pretty extraordinary."

Cat spoke up. "Will you stop yakking? I'm trying to sleep!"

Rimmer lowered his voice. "You're going to thank me when you have these babies and I know all about what to do." He pictured himself as Doctor Rimmer, smiling broadly as he delivered Lister's babies.

"What is there to do?" Lister asked.

Rimmer was only too happy to tell him. "Cleaning, changing, pumping your breasts for milk…"

Lister looked aghast. "WHAT?"

"Well, you didn't think they'd be eating pate de foie gras the first day out, did you?" Rimmer asked.

Lister looked down at his stomach, and then at his chest. "Oh, smeg. I'm gonna get breasts?"

"If the rules for men in that universe are the same as the rules for women in this one, yes," Rimmer said.

"How come their physical law still applies even though I'm over here?" Lister asked.

Rimmer had thought about this as well. He loved being called on to answer a question to which he actually knew the answer. "Because you did the act leading to all this over there, and you can't very well become un-pregnant just by changing realities. Since that part of your body kept the changes it went through over there, it stands to reason that the rest of your body did as well."

Lister hid his face in his hands. Rimmer couldn't restrain a tiny smirk.


	5. Medical Discovery

Lister lay on the medical bay table. His eyes were closed, and he had a wet washcloth on his forehead. He could hear Rimmer hovering somewhere nearby.

"I feel fine," Lister offered, hoping he could get off this table soon.

"Still tingly?" Rimmer asked.

"No," Lister said.

Cat was choosing an outfit. _"Now what shirt should I wear? Hmm. Pink's too sassy for today. No pink. Maybe tomorrow. What is this, rayon? Please."_

Lister sighed. "Cat, stop talking about your clothes."

Rimmer sounded puzzled. "Lister, Cat's not here."

Lister opened his eyes and looked around the medical bay, but Rimmer was right. Cat was nowhere to be seen. "Then he must be talking really loud."

"What's he saying?" Rimmer asked.

Lister concentrated and repeated what he heard Cat's voice saying in his head. "'Not blue…maybe the lime green. I look good in lime green. I look good in anything.' Must be looking through his closet."

"His closet's a kilometer away," Rimmer said, looking worried. "Holly? Have you found anything?"

Lister turned to look at the viewscreen, and instead of the familiar old Holly, a blonde woman identical to Hilly appeared.

"Yeah, I've got it," the woman said.

"Holly, what have you done?" Lister asked.

Holly looked pleased. "Do you like it? I think it's rather fetching myself."

Rimmer shook his head. "I don't even want to know why you look like that."

Holly apparently felt the need to explain anyway. "It's like this. I miss Hilly."

"Told you," Lister said to Rimmer.

"So, I decided that if I looked and sounded like Hilly, it would be like having her with me," Holly said.

"I hope you know you're completely daft, Holly," Rimmer said, not in the least convinced by Holly's tale of woe.

"I'm not daft. It's working so far. I feel better already," Holly said.

"What about me, Holly? Am I okay?" Lister asked.

"I've scanned you for diseases. You're all right," Holly said.

"Good," Lister said, relieved that nothing was wrong with him.

"Except," Holly said.

Lister felt a cold chill run down his back. "Except?"

Rimmer made a victorious gesture. "Aha! I was right!"

"The sphere, whatever it is, stimulated the bioelectrical receptors in your brain," Holly said.

Lister tried to make sense of that. "What does that mean?"

"Not only can you think more clearly, you can pick up thoughts from other sources," Holly said.

Rimmer frowned. "You mean he can hear what other people are thinking?"

Holly nodded. "People, cats. Anything with the proper electrical signature. No worries—it's only going to last a few days."

Lister liked the idea of having some kind of super power. "I'm a mind reader!"

Rimmer shook his head. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm a hologram."

Lister looked at Rimmer. "Why?"

"You can't hear what I'm thinking because I'm not really thinking, am I? It's simulated thinking along with simulated everything else," Rimmer said.

Lister closed his eyes, concentrating. There was a frenzied humming at the back of his brain, and Lister suspected he knew who was doing the humming.

"What are you doing?" Rimmer asked.

Lister began to recite Rimmer's thoughts. "Just my luck. The stupid gimboid didn't even hurt himself. What's he talking about? He's reading my mind. Smeg. I hope he doesn't find out about the—"

"Shut up!" Rimmer said.

Lister opened his eyes and grinned.

"How did you do that?" Rimmer asked.

"I guess you do something close enough to thinking for me to hear," Lister said.

Rimmer didn't look too pleased about that. "Can you hear it all the time?"

Lister shook his head. "It's like you're mumbling most of the time. If I concentrate, it clears up and I can understand it."

"And Cat's thoughts are clearer?" Rimmer asked.

Lister smiled. "Well, he's never exactly been quiet, has he?"

"What about me? Can you hear me?" Holly asked.

Lister turned to look at Holly. If Cat sounded like he was talking in Lister's head and Rimmer sounded like he was mumbling, Holly sounded like she was bouncing off walls. "Why are you thinking about the theme song from 'Love Story'?"

Holly got a deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. "I've got it stuck in my head."

Lister caught a stray thought from Rimmer and turned back to face him. "You got ducked in the swimming pool and almost drowned?"

Rimmer shrugged dismissively. "I was very young."

Lister squinted; there was something else. "Your swimming instructor did it?"

"Stop listening in!" Rimmer snapped. "I respect your privacy."

Lister raised his eyebrows. "When? When you're reading my diary or when you're looking up my confidential personnel files?"

Rimmer rose up and down uneasily on his toes. "I read your diary when I was alive, and your personnel file wasn't the only one I looked at."

"Is that supposed to make it better? It's still my privacy," Lister said.

Rimmer opened his mouth to speak. _Yes, but my privacy's more important than your privacy._

Lister looked disgusted. "That is the stupidest thing you've ever said."

"I didn't say anything," Rimmer said.

"You were going to," Lister said.

"Maybe I was and maybe I would've changed my mind," Rimmer said.

Lister didn't find that likely. "Since when do you ever change your mind about insulting me?"

"Since…" Apparently Rimmer didn't find it all that likely either. "All right, never, but it is my prerogative."

Lister shook his head. "I'm going to find some smokes."

Rimmer looked horrified. "Haven't you given that up yet?"

"Actually, I have," Lister said.

"Then why are you looking for cigarettes?" Rimmer asked.

"I thought I'd have a bonfire in the officers' lounge. Wanna come?" Lister asked.

"You are the most juvenile person I've ever met," Rimmer said.

Lister caught another interesting stray thought. "What's this about you having to wear boxing gloves while you were asleep?"

Rimmer glared at Lister.


	6. Additional Complications

Evidently Cat had picked the lime green shirt and a pair of trousers, because when Lister got back to the bunk room, Cat was deciding between two suit jackets. One was white, to match the trim on his trousers, and one was black, to match his trousers. Lister sat down and resumed work on his new jigsaw.

Suddenly, Lister was swamped with a very strong feeling of happiness and love. It made him want to smile, and it wasn't even his feeling. "Cat? Are you happy about something?"

"Shh. I'm choosing a jacket," Cat said.

"But are you happy?" Lister asked.

Cat glanced at Lister. "I'll be happy once I've picked a jacket."

Lister frowned. "I keep getting this feeling of happiness. Nothing specific, no words, just…happiness. But if it's not you and it's not Rimmer, then…?" Lister suddenly realized who it must be. He looked down at his stomach, touching it gently. "Of course. I forgot about you two. I like being able to hear you in there…it makes you more real. Hopefully you'll like zero-G football as much as you like being in here."

Lister listened to Jim and Bexley's happiness a little longer, and then he went back to his puzzle.

"Hmm. Tough decision," Cat said. He held up the white jacket and struck a pose. "Classy?" He held up the black jacket and struck a different pose. "Or debonair?"

Lister set down the piece of the puzzle he was holding. "Could you do me a favor and stop with the clothes decisions? You spent half an hour deciding on your trousers."

Cat was indignant, as he was whenever anyone questioned his fashion sense. "Hey, it takes time and effort to look as nice as I do! I don't just throw on whatever clothes I find first in the dark, unlike some people around here."

Lister went back to his puzzle, frustrated. Cat continued to alternate jackets and strike alluring poses before the mirror. Lister glanced at Cat. _For smeg's sake, Cat, pick a coat._

Cat dropped both jackets. "For smeg's sake, Cat, pick a coat!"

Lister whipped around, staring at Cat. Cat, surprised, picked up his jackets, putting them on the bed. Then he turned to Lister.

"What did you say?" Lister asked, thinking he must have heard wrong.

"I didn't say it!" Cat said. "I mean, I said it, but…"

"But I was the one who was thinking it," Lister said.

Cat looked confused. "How could you make me say something?"

Lister shook his head. "I don't know."

"Make me say something else," Cat said.

"Okay," Lister said.

Cat flipped Lister the bird. "This is Lister saying, 'Smeg off!'" Cat shook his head, lowering his hand as if it were a dangerous animal. "Wow."

"This is amazing!" Lister said. "Not only can I hear what you're thinking, but I can make you say whatever I think of."

Cat looked at the wrist he didn't wear a watch on and did an exaggerated double take. "Oh. Wow. It's getting late. I've gotta go…uh…find some more things to make mine. See you later, monkey."

Cat left the room, and Lister began to think of all the great things he could do with his new power.


	7. Abuse of Power?

When Rimmer entered the bunk room, Lister was working on a jigsaw. Typical. He could never fix actual mechanical problems around the ship, but he always had time for a good hundred-piece puzzle.

"Well, I see you're hard at work solving the unified theory," Rimmer said.

"What's the unified theory?" Lister asked without looking up from his puzzle.

"Don't you know anything?" Rimmer asked. Good question—what was the unified theory? "Obviously it's a theory, and it's…unified."

Lister looks at Rimmer and smiled. For some reason, Lister's smile made Rimmer feel supremely uneasy.

"Stop that," Rimmer said.

Lister didn't stop. "I'm only smiling."

"I know you are, and I don't like it," Rimmer said. Suddenly, his mouth opened to speak again, even though Rimmer didn't have anything else to say. "Dave, I just want to say, I really think you're an important part of this crew."

Lister looked flattered. "Do you really think so, Rimmer?"

Rimmer, shocked, touched his voice box. He hadn't just said that. Well, of course, he had—he'd heard himself do it. But usually his voice didn't work like that; he usually knew what he was going to say before he heard himself say it.

"No!" Rimmer said. Then his voice continued. "Absolutely. As a matter of fact, I think you should outrank me. That's how terrific I think you are."

"Well, thanks! That's nice to hear," Lister said.

Lister was behind this somehow. Rimmer didn't know how, but he was sure of it. "I don't know how you're doing this, Lister, but I—" His voice cut off mid-sentence and once again took a life of its own. "I'm actually going to apply for a demotion because I'd like you to be my commanding officer."

Lister crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair. "This day gets better and better."

Rimmer struggled to regain control of his voice. "Listen, you weaselly little— " His voice failed again. "I'm so sorry, sir. I'm not fit to lick your boots. In fact, that's a good idea. May I?"

"May you what?" Lister asked.

This was so incredibly embarrassing. Rimmer could feel a subservient, eager smile forming on his face. "May I please lick your boots, sir? It would be an honor. My tongue is just itching to go."

Lister shrugged. "You can if you want."

With supreme effort, Rimmer managed to get out a complete sentence before he lost control again. "I'd probably get athlete's tongue. I didn't mean it, sir, honestly I didn't. Please don't turn me off, pretty please."

Rimmer's body knelt in front of Lister in an attitude of submission, and Rimmer's entire face turned bright pink. This couldn't really be happening; it was some kind of nightmare. Yes, that was it. He would wake up soon.

"It's okay," Lister said, clearly enjoying himself. "I know you didn't mean it."

Rimmer tried to keep his mouth shut so that he couldn't say anything more, but his voice prattled on. "All the times I ever insulted you, I was actually insulting myself. I really do think you're wonderful."

"Thanks," Lister said.

"In every way. Your taste in music, clothes, food…it's all so much better than mine. Everything about you is what I aspire to be someday," Rimmer said. _Will I never shut up? _Suddenly, he realized he temporarily had control of his voice. "When I'm back to normal, Lister, you'll really be in for it."

Lister smiled innocently. "You wouldn't do anything to a pregnant man, would you?"

Rimmer harrumphed in the back of his throat. "There's plenty I can do to make sure that you're booted out of the Space Corps for good, miladdo!"

Lister considered that idea. "Yeah, but for the next twenty-four hours, I don't really care."

Rimmer's body entered a groveling position. "Please, forgive me," his voice said.

Rimmer wondered how many years of insults he would have to pelt Lister with before he could get back at him for this colossal humiliation.

_Just wait till he's in labor, _Rimmer thought. _That will be revenge enough._

THE END


End file.
